So, the night before last, while inebriated (yes, I know, bad Shelly), I realized that I'm nearing the point of falling in love with my best guy friend out here in the Hamptons.
It should be a good thing, falling in love after closing myself off to it for so long.
But it's not.
I keep dreaming up all of these shitty situations where I keep getting my heart broken, and I literally wake up with my heart aching.
It's almost maddening, mostly because I've been avoiding this realization for so long, and pushing him so far back, that I'm afraid that the interest I once thought he had in me (like that anyways) is gone.
And like we're both going through some serious depression, and thinking about moving again (him back to Cali, and me...I'm not sure where yet, and he's like the only person that even knows I've been thinking about it. Not even my best friend/roommate knows.)
And I fear that me not being there for him completely (back when I was pushing him away) pushed him towards drinking more and more. Maybe it's just my guilt, but maybe it's the truth.
And I got him to promise not to drink as much by promising he could call me whenever it got to the point where he found himself needing to drink because if his depression.
I mean that's a step in the right direction, right?
And my roommate says she sees the mutual attraction. And sometimes I can too, when it's just us, and we're not worried about having to pretend everything is alright .
But is that attraction? Love? Or just need, because I need him as a friend, he's a lifeline, I know this. But I'm falling in love with him as well, and I'm not sure if it's the same with him.
And if it's not, I don't want to drop this on him, and make him feel like our friendship will never be the same.
Fuck, I don't know what to do, and see him everyday now, talking to him, fuck just hugging him (it's fucking obnoxious how tactile we are with each other), it's beginning to hurt so much, and I don't know what to do anymore.
---I don't even know if this all makes sense. Typing this on my iPod at nearly 8am while avoiding sleep/dreaming of him effing sucks. But being awake and worrying about him (the drinking thing) isn't easy either.
-------also him telling me he loves me more than once in a day IS NOT FAIR. Especially since I'm not sure what friggen context it's in. Okay bed now.
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