oh la la.

so, I just woke up and today's my bday. woot? nah, not really. I don't really celebrate it all that much. We had Easter dinner yesterday, but so my roommie's family would've feel bad, i let them turn it into a Easter/Birthday dinner.

There was cheesecake. It was delicious. I enjoyed nomming it. A lot.

Plus, yesterday the 2nd episode of Game of Thrones, and it was amazing. So that was a cool early birthday pressie I guess. Lol.

But I've got 2 more days off and fic that I could be writing. but godddddddddddd I've lost my mojo. I need to read something that makes me WANTNEEDHAVE to write. *hangs head* dammit.

i've got so many ideas. I just don't know how to go about executing them. le sigh. I'll figure it out. Hopefully before my days off are gone.

I hate the feeling of falling.

So, the night before last, while inebriated (yes, I know, bad Shelly), I realized that I'm nearing the point of falling in love with my best guy friend out here in the Hamptons.

It should be a good thing, falling in love after closing myself off to it for so long.

But it's not.

I keep dreaming up all of these shitty situations where I keep getting my heart broken, and I literally wake up with my heart aching.

It's almost maddening, mostly because I've been avoiding this realization for so long, and pushing him so far back, that I'm afraid that the interest I once thought he had in me (like that anyways) is gone.

And like we're both going through some serious depression, and thinking about moving again (him back to Cali, and me...I'm not sure where yet, and he's like the only person that even knows I've been thinking about it. Not even my best friend/roommate knows.)

And I fear that me not being there for him completely (back when I was pushing him away) pushed him towards drinking more and more. Maybe it's just my guilt, but maybe it's the truth.

And I got him to promise not to drink as much by promising he could call me whenever it got to the point where he found himself needing to drink because if his depression.

I mean that's a step in the right direction, right?

And my roommate says she sees the mutual attraction. And sometimes I can too, when it's just us, and we're not worried about having to pretend everything is alright .

But is that attraction? Love? Or just need, because I need him as a friend, he's a lifeline, I know this. But I'm falling in love with him as well, and I'm not sure if it's the same with him.

And if it's not, I don't want to drop this on him, and make him feel like our friendship will never be the same.

Fuck, I don't know what to do, and see him everyday now, talking to him, fuck just hugging him (it's fucking obnoxious how tactile we are with each other), it's beginning to hurt so much, and I don't know what to do anymore.

---I don't even know if this all makes sense. Typing this on my iPod at nearly 8am while avoiding sleep/dreaming of him effing sucks. But being awake and worrying about him (the drinking thing) isn't easy either.

-------also him telling me he loves me more than once in a day IS NOT FAIR. Especially since I'm not sure what friggen context it's in. Okay bed now.

Posted via


One thing at a time.

I keep telling myself that, but the depression gets worse, and it's like something's got a hold of my heart and is trying to squeeze the life out of it.

I wish I could cry. At least it'd get rid of some of these rushing feelings, even if temporarily.

Posted via


NaNoWriMo + Secret Santa.

SO I'VE DECIDED. I must be absolutely MENTAL.

I have three NaNoWriMo fics that I'm working on. you can check them out by looking me up on the website under parallelheartz, ironiclunacy and liebedoesexist.

I know, I know WTF AM I THINKING? er....I was thinking that I couldn't choose btwn three AWESOME 50,000 WORTHY STORIES so...yeah.

and I mean, it's going well. I hit my word goal (i think I went over actually) for two of the three tonight, and I'm gonna do the third one before I go back through the cycle again. It's not....bad. it's just annoying cause I always wanna write for the stories I'm NOT concentrating on. xD

but Red String (Of Fate) is going well if you can excuse my frequent mental breakdowns over the writing style. And Of The Flesh is coming along AWESOMELY only cause I get to write snarky Bill which seems to come easy for me. xD

The hard one which I've plotted out completely is Get Home (yes, that's a Chris Linke song!!!). I'm a bit worried I might have to push that aside, but I'm gonna try my DAMNDEST.

-------------and then there's my SECRET SANTA. which is okay cause it's only got a daily word count of 1000 words (and i honestly doubt it'll be 30,000 words SO I'm not freaking. too badly.)

but yea, there MUST be smt wrong with me to do this to myself. xD it's probably an unconscious effort for me to STOP going out and drinking and spending money. (i need to buy my car LOL).

but I HOPE I'll get these done, cause I LOVE my plotlines and I REALLY REALLY wanna get you guys to read these when they're done ^_^

Innocence And Lies (2/?)

TITLE: Innocence And Lies
AUTHOR: parallelheartz
GENRE: Established Relationship, Drama, Angst, Adult Content, Twincest,
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. >.>
SUMMARY: Losing his twin to someone else, finding out that he was having his twins' children, finding himself alone. None of this was part of the plan.
COMMENTS: This is a weekly fic. Updates every Saturday or Sunday, depending on when I have off. Woot.

Acts of Fate.

Innocence And Lies (1/?)

TITLE: Innocence And Lies
AUTHOR: parallelheartz
GENRE: Established Relationship, Drama, Angst, Adult Content, Twincest,
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. >.>
SUMMARY: Losing his twin to someone else, finding out that he was having his twins' children, finding himself alone. None of this was part of the plan.
COMMENTS: This is a weekly fic. Updates every Saturday or Sunday, depending on when I have off. Woot.

On My Own.
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All That I've Got

♥Fluff Friday♥

TITLE: All That I've Got
AUTHOR: parallelheartz
GENRE: Established Relationship, Fluff, Twincest,
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. >.>
SUMMARY: Bill realizes that all he needs is Tom.
COMMENTS: Er, it's been a while since I did Fluff Friday. I figured it was time I did so. xD

All That I've Got
magic life.

So, part of me feels uber bad for not being around lately. And like, part of it is cause I worked my fucking ass off this summer.I know I have from the size of my checks (and that should make me happy, i know), but at the same time, I'm a bit restless cause I haven't been able to properly catch up with my friends (fandom friends and RL friends that don't live in the Hamptons).

It sucks.

Especially when I've been getting the urge to write lately, and my hours have been fucking that up severely. This is what I get for working nights (i usually sleep through the day. today being the exception. xcept that i'm probably going back to sleep after this entry.)

All in all, it makes me feel like a bad author and an even worse friend.

I'm going to try and promise myself to get better at saying no to extra hours (working 7 day work weeks and then getting stupid sick, and then doing the same thing all over again isn't helpful to my sanity or my need to socialize and write).

Bah, see this is what I get for waking up early. Too much thinking and angsting. Especially with me worried that my friends (and readers) will have thought I've forgotten about them & don't care about them. BAH. but I do. That's the problem.

Sigh. I need to go back to bed. I've a 7 1/2 shift today. Which wouldn't be bad, if I wasn't closing. Which takes a lot more work that the Opening/Midday shift thinks. I'd know. I've worked both. Unfortunately.


Ps. Christmas Present Idea? Starbucks Cards? I'm not really certain who around here goes to Starbucks though. And it would be easier for me to do that, seeing as I work there, and I could just order a bundle and put the money on there. Hmm. Idk, idk. And yes, I'm thinking about xmas presents already. I don't really do Xmas, but I figured I might as well this year. Am trying to make a change, ever since I moved to a house that isn't run by a crazypsychobitch. >.>

anyways, i'm fading here.

i love you guys, even if I don't show it anymore.

I feel like...

It's been ages since I posted.

But that's probably because I'm always at work, wishing I was at home, and when I AM at home, I'm asleep dreaming about work. xD I know, I suck.

But, so yea, today is the last day of my 4-days off from work, and I feel like I've done nothing, despite the fact that yesterday I went to get my driver's permit (we won't talk about how i was the only one there older than 18, besides my roomie, going for their permit). I passed, paid, and got my temp.

Oh and I bought paint stuffles (vicky got her drawing stuffles, so we tend to just get one set since we usually work together on stuff), and Vicky's gonna have me paint her designs and stuff, and she's gonna help me work on set designs and stuff, cause I have actually started to turn Lunacy into a screenplay. Lol. A couple of my friends here read it and were like 'we need to film this. even if it's a short 'first film'." though, technically this would be my second, cause my first was macbeth in Highschool. lol, I know, I'm a loser.

Anyways, congrats to TH for their #1 and #7 chart positions. I knew that they could do it.

NOW Imma go work on all of my fics (esp. TH Fuh-Q-Fest) cause um, idk when my next couple of days off are >.>


so besides my utter excitement over the Single/DVD coming out::


Vicky and I, like the awesome peeps we are, are planning a trip overseas for next year. She wants to visit family (and scope out hotties) as well as go to a couple of music festivals (we're really hoping she can see HIM while were over there). Idk what's going on with TH anymore (work is keeping me so far out of the fandom it's sad), but if they're performing at all, we wanna work that in (cause I've amazingly converted Vicky over to the darkside of TH).

Plus, there's the whole visiting old ruins and museums and shit, cause she's never been, and we're both HUGEEEEEEEEE History buffs, so yea, EXCITEMENT ALL AROUND.

the one thing I'm not excited for is my 4:45pm - 12:45am shift, today. *grumbles* It's not that I HATE work, it's just that I DON'T LIKE the rush that we have on weekends. It's fucking absurd the way people come down here like they're crazy, and we're the only Starbucks in E. Hampton. -- the nearest one is Bridgehampton, and that store SUCKS. the people there are just....ew.

Anyways, so yea, I've got about three hours before I've got to go in (2.40 before I need to leave the house), so Imma go get something to eat (finally) and then read porn to relax myself. xD

Oh and the stop list we're hoping for is:

Finland-Estonia (counting this as one stop), Hungary (music festival that we NEEDWANTHAVE to go to), Austria-Germany (counting this as one stop), Spain, France, England (family) and then Ireland (friends and family). Yea, it's a lot, but with the way Vick and I are, we can totally fit that into 3 weeks. And the way we're working this summer (and next summer), money's not a worry. -- I never thought I'd be upset making so much money LOL, but the hours are INSANE tbh xD --

anyways okay, finally going xD